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Oh, so you’re dating my ex-husband…
You know how you’re reading those funny quotes, the kind you see on a cocktail napkin, or humorous website, and often they are about divorce. I often look at divorce material to see what people are saying… to see what the zeitgeist is. One I saw recently said, “Oh, so you’re dating my ex-husband… I’m eating a ham sandwich, you want those leftovers too?” Another said “DIVORCE: the end of an error.” It was clever. If you can find humor in the pain you’re way ahead of the game. So I was thinking about a time several light-years ago, my doorbell rang at about 11 o’clock one night. It was a 25-year-old woman sobbing on my doorstep. Because?? you ask? Because my ex-husband was cheating on her! Quelle surprise! He was cheating on her after he was cheating with her, on the woman he was last having an affair with when I left him. Follow? Did you really think he wouldn’t cheat on you after he cheated on me with you? Another great cocktail napkin quote.So, I had to keep my mouth covered so that I would not bust out laughing, because she thought at 25 she was invincible… the other woman was 45, and I was somewhere in between that age mix… She said she had to get him back… mouth still covered… and DID I HAVE ANY ADVICE?!?!You see, I knew there would be a book in my future. It was sooooo worth answering the door. You can’t fix stupid and she was just the poster child, blond curly hair like Beyonce but, before she was born. Lake sized tears, a false eyelash falling off… like, where was her mother? (Oh yeah, she was sleeping with him too, I think…) and this chick had one of those drama names like Cheyenne, Mariah, or Navajo (ha ha, HO…) from some spiritual crap at the time of conception, and she actually wanted pointers from me. You. cannot. make. this. stuff. up. My pointer was “RUN.”Now, in my wiser years (that’s euphemism for older than I was then) I have decided that I don’t know what’s best for anybody, ever. Only for me, and I do best keeping it to myself unless asked. And she asked!! That’s my get out of jail free card!! So, the way it turned out, I might as well have been talking to a wall… she goes back to him. And these two women ended up battling back and forth over him until HE got tired of the noise and dumped them both, (and yes, he left a message on my phone looking for advice…that story is for another day…really, and no, I didn’t return the call) but, not until one of them redecorated his house with her divorce settlement money to remove all traces of me. And I’m sitting here laughing because I hear she is now a lesbian… you cannot make this up I swear. And he is on girlfriend #4,782 by now… at least.Here’s the thing. My daddy said a tiger doesn’t change his stripes. He should know, he was King of the Jungle until his last breath on earth. What, um, hidden talent, do you think you have that is going to “make him change?” I mean, you can suck the paint off the bowling ball, and then what?Here’s what. Change yourself. Go where you want, do what you want, live how you want, provided you are not hurting anyone. If you’re not getting the respect you think you deserve then maybe you need to rethink your choice in dates or you need to look in the mirror. It’s one of those two. All your friends may tell you how wonderful you are, and they’re going to put the blame on whoever he is, but that takes you off the hook and out of the equation. My question is, what about you picked this person that you seem to want so desperately? And desperate is never pretty. If you can figure this out then maybe next time it’ll be a better choice and you will be happier. And only ring my doorbell that late if I can put it in my book. I’m just sayin’.